Loving Yourself Through Positive Self Talk

My client said to me, “You probably don’t what to hear this...” and then went on to say something negative. I told my client that it’s not about me; I don’t what my clients thinking anything negative like that. It amazes me the negative things we tell ourselves... the negative way we talk to ourselves.

We’d never say to a stranger the things we say to ourself. Think about it... Someone locks their keys in their car and what do they say verbally or silently, “God, I am so stupid, I’m such an idiot... I cannot believe the stupid things I do. I’m surprised I can even walk upright...”  You’d never say that to a stranger. Can you imagine walking up to a little granny sitting on a park bench and saying those same things, “You are so stupid... you’re an idiot... I cannot believe all the stupid things you do...”  In fact, next time you see a Brian Urlacher walk up to him and  say, wait... never mind; but you see my point. You just wouldn’t talk that way, not to a grandma nor to a middle linebacker for the Chicago Bears.

Why do we talk so hurtfully to ourselves? Why do we offer acquaintances and strangers more words of encouragement than we do our own selves? Maybe the why isn’t as imperative to understand as the point that we should stop treating ourselves so badly and treat everyone, including ourselves as if they were your sweet dear ol’ grandmother.

We’re human and we make mistakes: give yourself a break. Why not say to yourself, “I’m getting better and better.” Or, “Today I’m better than I was yesterday, but not as good as I will be tomorrow.” Why? Because it corny, hoaky, or because people don’t really talk that way. Why not? I think it’s about time we start telling ourselves nice things. Start lifting ourselves up and forgiving ourselves for little mistakes. The next time you make a mistake say to yourself, “Wow, I normally remember to take my keys out of the ignition before locking and closing the door. I’m probably trying to do too much, too fast. I’ll slow down and think more clearly.” Isn’t that a much better thing to hear than in insult to your intelligence?

Showing yourself a little love, by way of saying something nice to yourself isn’t all that crazy. When you think about it like that, it sounds like good idea. At first say these things silently to yourself and after some time saying nice, positive things try saying it out loud. Really, it works.

I had a habit of leaving one thing downstairs when I went to bed at night. I’d mutter to myself down the steps, then back up the steps. One night I let myself off the hook and laughed at myself and said positive things to myself as I retrieved the forgotten item. A few days later, I realized that I wasn’t forgetting things downstairs at bedtime. What do you think, maybe there is a connection there? Give it a try yourself. Show yourself some love. Plus, your job search will benefit from the positive self talk.

Why is Asking for Help So Hard?

In my December 2009 blog, “The 80/20 Rule” I brought up the subject of networking and asking for help or advice from those we network with. I pointed to the fact that men are so unlikely to ask for help it has become a punchline of jokes. Some people say that the GPS became such a successful product for this reason and others point out that using a female voice for the GPS is just plain irony.

But it’s not just men; many women don’t like to ask for help anymore then most men. Back in March 2010 my blog “Asking for Help and Advice in Your Job Search” I wrote, “This is what I say to my clients who tell me that they are uncomfortable asking for help: "Get over it if you want a job. It's a numbers game and you'll need to ask a lot of people for their help and advice in order to meet the person that knows about your job."

Recently, I’ve meet a number of people that voice this same issue about asking for help. So I asked myself and others why is this so hard? Let’s first point out that this isn’t only a problem for people in job search; it really is an issue for most of us at every stage of our careers. In fact, even as students it’s hard for us to ask for assistance or help. Still, why?

Fear of rejection
Most commonly this seems a reason not to ask for someone’s help. Is this irrational? Normally I would have to admit that if you ask people for help or advice they give it freely, willingly, with joy. Yet, folks will say to me, “What if they say no?” Of course the response to that is, “What if they say yes!” if you don’t ask you’ll never learn what not being rejected feels like.

Feeling vulnerable
Now, it is true that if we are asking for help, we are admitting that we need help. We are not strong enough, smart enough, connected enough to do it ourself. If I have to ask for help, I tell myself, “I suck” or something equally demeaning. However the fact is that I have never met the 100% perfect, totally fulfilled, absolutely self-reliant human being. In fact, many of the people that we look up to in sports, business or the media have been found cheating, using drugs or covering up because they couldn’t admit that they weren’t perfect. We all feel vulnerable, so what!

Owing someone
Along with feeling vulnerable, people will say, “I don’t want to be beholden to someone else.” This really falls into the “I don’t want to feel vulnerable” camp. What if Great Britain said back in 1939 and 1940, we don’t want to be beholden to America so we’ll pass on Lend Lease. What if Google didn’t want to be beholden to a bunch of stock holders or if any company didn’t have public offerings of stock. Would a person whose house is on fire stop to consider whether or not owing the firefighters was worth making the call to 911? Pretty silly!

It’s Change
I’m not used to asking people for help. Once upon a time, you and I weren’t used to walking, talking, driving or going to work; that didn’t stop us then. That’s what being human is all about. It’s about change and growth, and becoming better. Getting help, assistance, direction made it possible for us to walk, drive and succeed at work. Asking for help now will drastically shorten your job search.

So asking for help is very human, very normal and appropriate. Asking for advise doesn’t make you appear weak or stupid. Asking for direction in your job search or any career choice is a great way to glean insights and wisdom and make a connection to another human being. So start asking for help and advice in your job search.