Why is Asking for Help So Hard?

In my December 2009 blog, “The 80/20 Rule” I brought up the subject of networking and asking for help or advice from those we network with. I pointed to the fact that men are so unlikely to ask for help it has become a punchline of jokes. Some people say that the GPS became such a successful product for this reason and others point out that using a female voice for the GPS is just plain irony.

But it’s not just men; many women don’t like to ask for help anymore then most men. Back in March 2010 my blog “Asking for Help and Advice in Your Job Search” I wrote, “This is what I say to my clients who tell me that they are uncomfortable asking for help: "Get over it if you want a job. It's a numbers game and you'll need to ask a lot of people for their help and advice in order to meet the person that knows about your job."

Recently, I’ve meet a number of people that voice this same issue about asking for help. So I asked myself and others why is this so hard? Let’s first point out that this isn’t only a problem for people in job search; it really is an issue for most of us at every stage of our careers. In fact, even as students it’s hard for us to ask for assistance or help. Still, why?

Fear of rejection
Most commonly this seems a reason not to ask for someone’s help. Is this irrational? Normally I would have to admit that if you ask people for help or advice they give it freely, willingly, with joy. Yet, folks will say to me, “What if they say no?” Of course the response to that is, “What if they say yes!” if you don’t ask you’ll never learn what not being rejected feels like.

Feeling vulnerable
Now, it is true that if we are asking for help, we are admitting that we need help. We are not strong enough, smart enough, connected enough to do it ourself. If I have to ask for help, I tell myself, “I suck” or something equally demeaning. However the fact is that I have never met the 100% perfect, totally fulfilled, absolutely self-reliant human being. In fact, many of the people that we look up to in sports, business or the media have been found cheating, using drugs or covering up because they couldn’t admit that they weren’t perfect. We all feel vulnerable, so what!

Owing someone
Along with feeling vulnerable, people will say, “I don’t want to be beholden to someone else.” This really falls into the “I don’t want to feel vulnerable” camp. What if Great Britain said back in 1939 and 1940, we don’t want to be beholden to America so we’ll pass on Lend Lease. What if Google didn’t want to be beholden to a bunch of stock holders or if any company didn’t have public offerings of stock. Would a person whose house is on fire stop to consider whether or not owing the firefighters was worth making the call to 911? Pretty silly!

It’s Change
I’m not used to asking people for help. Once upon a time, you and I weren’t used to walking, talking, driving or going to work; that didn’t stop us then. That’s what being human is all about. It’s about change and growth, and becoming better. Getting help, assistance, direction made it possible for us to walk, drive and succeed at work. Asking for help now will drastically shorten your job search.

So asking for help is very human, very normal and appropriate. Asking for advise doesn’t make you appear weak or stupid. Asking for direction in your job search or any career choice is a great way to glean insights and wisdom and make a connection to another human being. So start asking for help and advice in your job search.

The 80/20 Rule

In another life I ran QA organizations. That’s Quality Assurance and not question and answers. One of the tools I used back then was the Pareto Analysis which utilizes the adage: for many cases, roughly 80% of the effects come from 20% of the causes. Of course this is more commonly called the 80/20 rule.
We use this rule in two ways in a job search. First and most evident is that most of your results are going to come from about 20% of your effort. But! And that is a big but, you don’t know which 20% will produce the results you are looking for. So you have to do 100% of what is needed for a job search. It is also important to point out what works for one person in job transition may not produce the same outcomes for another person.

Now the second way the 80/20 rule affects your job search is in understanding the job market. Behind all the numbers of job loss and unemployment rates is this truth. These numbers bear out with statistical analysis done by companies like Challenger, Gray and Christmas. The fact is that the job market is divided into two different and unequal pieces. First there is the advertised job market and then the larger hidden job market.

The hidden job market is represented by the 80% of this pie chart. But we need to be aware of where or how to find opportunities in the hidden market. The second pie chart shows that we can find these hidden jobs through people we know and people we don’t know yet.

Of course through networking we become aware of jobs through strangers: in fact, that is a primary goal of job search networking. I tell my clients that they need to begin talking to friends. Asking for help in your job search is all it takes. Wait a minute, ask for help? I am an American, I don’t ask for help.

Isn’t that the truth! As a people, in a general sense, we hate to ask for help. Who hasn’t heard the joke about the guy driving around lost not willing to stop and ask for directions. Ouch, it's so true it’s a punch line of a joke. But this is just what we need to do to be successful in job search.

People love to help and will help until it hurts. The trouble is that they don’t know how to help the person in transition. So you need to tell them by saying "I’d really appreciate your help and advice". Who doesn’t want to give advice? That’s all it takes.