Why is Asking for Help So Hard?

In my December 2009 blog, “The 80/20 Rule” I brought up the subject of networking and asking for help or advice from those we network with. I pointed to the fact that men are so unlikely to ask for help it has become a punchline of jokes. Some people say that the GPS became such a successful product for this reason and others point out that using a female voice for the GPS is just plain irony.

But it’s not just men; many women don’t like to ask for help anymore then most men. Back in March 2010 my blog “Asking for Help and Advice in Your Job Search” I wrote, “This is what I say to my clients who tell me that they are uncomfortable asking for help: "Get over it if you want a job. It's a numbers game and you'll need to ask a lot of people for their help and advice in order to meet the person that knows about your job."

Recently, I’ve meet a number of people that voice this same issue about asking for help. So I asked myself and others why is this so hard? Let’s first point out that this isn’t only a problem for people in job search; it really is an issue for most of us at every stage of our careers. In fact, even as students it’s hard for us to ask for assistance or help. Still, why?

Fear of rejection
Most commonly this seems a reason not to ask for someone’s help. Is this irrational? Normally I would have to admit that if you ask people for help or advice they give it freely, willingly, with joy. Yet, folks will say to me, “What if they say no?” Of course the response to that is, “What if they say yes!” if you don’t ask you’ll never learn what not being rejected feels like.

Feeling vulnerable
Now, it is true that if we are asking for help, we are admitting that we need help. We are not strong enough, smart enough, connected enough to do it ourself. If I have to ask for help, I tell myself, “I suck” or something equally demeaning. However the fact is that I have never met the 100% perfect, totally fulfilled, absolutely self-reliant human being. In fact, many of the people that we look up to in sports, business or the media have been found cheating, using drugs or covering up because they couldn’t admit that they weren’t perfect. We all feel vulnerable, so what!

Owing someone
Along with feeling vulnerable, people will say, “I don’t want to be beholden to someone else.” This really falls into the “I don’t want to feel vulnerable” camp. What if Great Britain said back in 1939 and 1940, we don’t want to be beholden to America so we’ll pass on Lend Lease. What if Google didn’t want to be beholden to a bunch of stock holders or if any company didn’t have public offerings of stock. Would a person whose house is on fire stop to consider whether or not owing the firefighters was worth making the call to 911? Pretty silly!

It’s Change
I’m not used to asking people for help. Once upon a time, you and I weren’t used to walking, talking, driving or going to work; that didn’t stop us then. That’s what being human is all about. It’s about change and growth, and becoming better. Getting help, assistance, direction made it possible for us to walk, drive and succeed at work. Asking for help now will drastically shorten your job search.

So asking for help is very human, very normal and appropriate. Asking for advise doesn’t make you appear weak or stupid. Asking for direction in your job search or any career choice is a great way to glean insights and wisdom and make a connection to another human being. So start asking for help and advice in your job search.

Networking is for Everyone

As a compound word, Networking has two words that make it up: net and work. Net as in a contrivance of cord tied into an open, meshed fabric, for catching things; or anything serving to catch or ensnare. A net could also be a connection of things like computers as in the Internet.

Work is exertion or effort directed to produce or accomplish something; or the result of exertion, labor, or activity. Author Lillian Bjorseth defines Networking as an active, dynamic process that links people into mutually beneficial relationships to create social capital.

It's important to realize that it is work, but it doesn't have to be toil. It requires talking to people and establishing relationships and this is sometimes difficult or scary for people. But if you are in sales, especially in today's marketplace, you'd better get good at networking.

The work comes in two forms: first, calling people on the phone; the second comes in meeting people face to face. Regardless of everything written, it comes down to phone calls and meeting people face to face. Without these two aspects you cannot build mutually beneficial relationships.

It's funny, the other day I heard someone call a "network marketing" business "relationship marketing."  Boy, they created a new terminology that hits the nail on the head. Building relationships is not easy: just ask anyone who is married or in a family. It's work and that's okay, it can be fun and invigorating building your network if you remember you will need to give before before you will receive.

It is exciting when you meet people to whom you can give something, something of value. In sales it might be the information associated with your product or service which will benefit the other people's life or business. In a job search it might be another connection or even the promise to pay the benefit forward. There is a Tao in networking where you only receive when you give freely. This requires being open and giving of yourself. This may be the scariest part of networking for some people.

I saw an interesting blog the other day that asked this question, among others: "do you have to be born with the ability to network?" Link The short answer is no, just a willingness to get to know people. The blog quotes Dale Carnegie, "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."

 

So realize that everyday you are faced with countless opportunities to network with people and it could lead to something fantastic. Happy Networking.