The Transition Two Step

   Whether you are in a transition due to being laid off or because you have been promoted or have retired, transition is a difficult time for couples. I had the great pleasure to listen to Terry Shapiro, Ph.D. discuss this subject to about 250 professionals who are in transition. Dr. Shapiro approached the subject with humor and wisdom and empathy. He also hit the nail on the head. 

   Newton's Third Law of Motion states, "To every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction;"  this also applies to relationships. When a person goes through a change as serious as a termination, retirement or a death of a loved one, everyone in the family is affected, especially their "significant other." 

   It's like riding on a train, where you are the engineer driving the train watching the track ahead and everyone else- especially the spouse- is sitting in one of the adjoining cars with only a view out the window as the scenery goes by. They are along for the ride and have no idea of what's ahead unless you communicate.

   Communication is Key... Communication with respect, empathy and intimacy. Dr. Shapiro spelled it out and pointed out some of the pitfalls of poor communication that is not open and free flowing. He offered some guidelines:

• talk about what your are doing and how you are feeling, sharing specifics
• ask about how your partner is doing and how they are feeling, and listen
• more communication is better than less, especially right after the activating event
• anger is natural and is not bad if it isn't destructive or the most common emotion
• ask for what you need and listen for what your partner needs

   Having empathy for your partner is not easy for many people especially when under stress. Dr. Shapiro said that you don't have to agree with your partner or even completely understand why they are feeling... but knowing what they are feeling and thinking can ease a lot of stress for both of you. 

   Respecting where they are and what they are going through as you go through your stuff can save a lot of fighting. Dr. Shapiro commented that fighting is part of a relationship between two people who have opinions and emotions. It's as normal and natural as anger and laughter. However, he warned that when a couple fights they need to fight fair. There needs to be rules and allowance for the other to call time out, to withdraw for a specific time as a way to check emotions from escalating. 

   The "two step" as a dance works best when both partners know what to expect. As long as you and your partner are dancing to the same music a few toes may be stepped on, but hopefully nothing will be broken.

Dr, Terry Shapiro is a licensed clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at Aurora University in Aurora, Illinois. His practice is located in Chicago's western suburbs.

Networking is for Everyone

As a compound word, Networking has two words that make it up: net and work. Net as in a contrivance of cord tied into an open, meshed fabric, for catching things; or anything serving to catch or ensnare. A net could also be a connection of things like computers as in the Internet.

Work is exertion or effort directed to produce or accomplish something; or the result of exertion, labor, or activity. Author Lillian Bjorseth defines Networking as an active, dynamic process that links people into mutually beneficial relationships to create social capital.

It's important to realize that it is work, but it doesn't have to be toil. It requires talking to people and establishing relationships and this is sometimes difficult or scary for people. But if you are in sales, especially in today's marketplace, you'd better get good at networking.

The work comes in two forms: first, calling people on the phone; the second comes in meeting people face to face. Regardless of everything written, it comes down to phone calls and meeting people face to face. Without these two aspects you cannot build mutually beneficial relationships.

It's funny, the other day I heard someone call a "network marketing" business "relationship marketing."  Boy, they created a new terminology that hits the nail on the head. Building relationships is not easy: just ask anyone who is married or in a family. It's work and that's okay, it can be fun and invigorating building your network if you remember you will need to give before before you will receive.

It is exciting when you meet people to whom you can give something, something of value. In sales it might be the information associated with your product or service which will benefit the other people's life or business. In a job search it might be another connection or even the promise to pay the benefit forward. There is a Tao in networking where you only receive when you give freely. This requires being open and giving of yourself. This may be the scariest part of networking for some people.

I saw an interesting blog the other day that asked this question, among others: "do you have to be born with the ability to network?" Link The short answer is no, just a willingness to get to know people. The blog quotes Dale Carnegie, "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."

 

So realize that everyday you are faced with countless opportunities to network with people and it could lead to something fantastic. Happy Networking.