More: Don’t take things personally

I’ve pointed out many times in talks, coaching session and in this blog that we have control over two things in this world. First, we have control over our attitude--namely, what we want our attitude to be. Second, we have control over our behavior--namely, how we act toward the world around us.

On the job or in a job search this is no less true. When something happens at work, from losing a promotion to getting a notice of termination, you are faced with what famed psychotherapist Albert Ellis, Ph.D. called an “Activating Event.” These events are without emotion, they simply are a fact one has to deal with. How we perceive these events, Ellis would say, is influenced by our “Belief System” which can be either rational or irrational.

I believe that if you get a pink slip at work a rational belief system would hold that your termination isn’t personal. In major lay offs where there is a 10%, 20% or even 30% reduction in force, it’s a numbers game, and your specific case probably has more to do with your salary or where you sit on an Org Chart than it is about who does or doesn’t like you. To quote The Godfather again: (Sonny Corleone to Tom Hagen and his brother Michael) “You're taking this very personal. Tom, this is business and this man is taking it very, very personal.”

What if your boss doesn’t respond to an email you sent? Don’t take it personally until he tells you so. For example: A job seeker and LinkedIn user wrote:  I have 55 first-level connections on LinkedIn, but 50 outstanding invitations that I have sent to people whom I have previous connections and relationships with, and yet they don't even bother to reply to my invitation. I am not sure if these folks are just not interested in LinkedIn anymore, or if they aren't interested in me anymore. Any suggestions???

And I responded: Remember not to take this or anything in your job search personally. There could be a 100 different reasons why these folks haven't replied. You've thought of two. Instead of playing a guessing game, follow up with an email or better yet a phone call. Reconnect and find out...

Life is filled with too many situations, events and accidents to believe that they are all focused on you. Give yourself a break, free yourself of the worry and stress of taking things personally. You’ll be happier and you’ll sleep better at night.

Take Nothing Personally in Job Search

In my professional career in software development, Lee Babbitt, my friend and mentor, once advised me that I needed to slow down and not to take things personally. I thought of Sonny and Michael Corleone in the first Godfather movie, “...it’s not personal, Sonny, it’s strictly business!” Many years later, when I began my professional career in career consulting, we were told in training, “Tell your clients that it’s not personal and don’t take things said or even things not said personally.”

I hear this from clients all the time. They had a great interview and the hiring manager said they would be making a decision by the end of the week, and now it’s ten days later and they still haven’t heard anything. They begin to doubt their experience and become fearful, saying thinks like, “I must have blown the interview.” or “Why are they doing this to me?”  Then a few days later they call the hiring manager or the HR Rep and find out that something unexpected happened and now they expect to start the next steps soon, or tomorrow.

Those times when the client missed the job opportunity and wasn’t chosen--when they learn that they didn’t get the job--they are crushed. They start going over the experience looking for something they did to “blow it” in the interview process. They must have done something wrong, or they think that the interviewer just didn’t like them from the start! Often neither is the case, they just picked someone else. The job seeker didn’t do anything wrong, nothing! But, this is hard for many job seekers to accept. It’s hard for them not to take it personally and start to move on to the next opportunity.

It makes sense. Being turned down for a job hurts... but to get past the hurt, think of it this way: Say you were out looking for new shoes and you find a pair that looks great. You ask the clerk for your size and they have a pair a half of a size smaller and a half of a size bigger, but not your exact size. You try on the shoes and they don’t fit, they don’t feel right. Would you buy them anyway? Or would you go to another store? Remember there are two outcomes to an interview...

The two outcomes to an interview are: Get the job offer or get a referral. If the shoes don’t fit it’s easy to ask the clerk if they could suggest another store that sells those shoes; then you could get them in your size. The job seeker can do the same thing in the interview process: ask if they know of anything else where they could use your skills and abilities. It’s professional, proactive and takes the focus off the negative. Often the interviewer will realize the job seeker would be great in an other department and they are happy to recommend you.

So refusing to take bad news personally help to keep you in a positive frame of mind and often find an equally good opportunity.