What's in a Name

How important is your identity to you? What we call ourselves is very much part of who we are. What others call us conveys a lot of meaning. Imagine the confusion that you would create if you stopped using the commonly accepted names for thing you encounter during a day. You might say things like:

• At the dinner table... "Please pass me the elephant." When you want the salt.
• Driving... "Vote left at the next light." When you're giving directions to the driver.
• During a bank robbery... "Give me all your apples and no one will get hurt."

This is a little silly, but it points out the connection the words we use and the names we call things have in communicating. So listen to other peoples names. Our names are important to us. If someone tells you their name, listen carefully and repeat it back to them. You can say, "Hello, Syed, it's very nice to meet you." This will aid in your remembering.

Now some people are very good remembering names, and some are not. I am a face person so I have to work at remembering names. Often I'll forget the person's name two minutes into the conversation. In those events I ask the person to remind me of their name before we part. "It was a pleasure meeting you, could you remind me, what was your name again?" And almost always this brings a smile to their face as they tell me, "Bob Stevens or Wia Capstone or Barak Obama." It's flattering that you want to remember their name.

Finally, listen to how they say their name. For example, if they say their name is Phillip, Patricia, Jorge or Kathryn; don't call them Phil, Pat, George or Kathy. You can even ask, "Well hello Phillip, do you prefer Phillip?" This is a great way to write their name into your memory. In a former career when I was purchasing key items for my company, I was surprised how many sales people would call me Tom, ten seconds after I introduced myself as Thomas. I didn't take offence but I did take note of their attention to the details.

So the next time you're at a networking event try this out. Listen to people's names and see how well they listen to yours. 

The Transition Two Step

   Whether you are in a transition due to being laid off or because you have been promoted or have retired, transition is a difficult time for couples. I had the great pleasure to listen to Terry Shapiro, Ph.D. discuss this subject to about 250 professionals who are in transition. Dr. Shapiro approached the subject with humor and wisdom and empathy. He also hit the nail on the head. 

   Newton's Third Law of Motion states, "To every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction;"  this also applies to relationships. When a person goes through a change as serious as a termination, retirement or a death of a loved one, everyone in the family is affected, especially their "significant other." 

   It's like riding on a train, where you are the engineer driving the train watching the track ahead and everyone else- especially the spouse- is sitting in one of the adjoining cars with only a view out the window as the scenery goes by. They are along for the ride and have no idea of what's ahead unless you communicate.

   Communication is Key... Communication with respect, empathy and intimacy. Dr. Shapiro spelled it out and pointed out some of the pitfalls of poor communication that is not open and free flowing. He offered some guidelines:

• talk about what your are doing and how you are feeling, sharing specifics
• ask about how your partner is doing and how they are feeling, and listen
• more communication is better than less, especially right after the activating event
• anger is natural and is not bad if it isn't destructive or the most common emotion
• ask for what you need and listen for what your partner needs

   Having empathy for your partner is not easy for many people especially when under stress. Dr. Shapiro said that you don't have to agree with your partner or even completely understand why they are feeling... but knowing what they are feeling and thinking can ease a lot of stress for both of you. 

   Respecting where they are and what they are going through as you go through your stuff can save a lot of fighting. Dr. Shapiro commented that fighting is part of a relationship between two people who have opinions and emotions. It's as normal and natural as anger and laughter. However, he warned that when a couple fights they need to fight fair. There needs to be rules and allowance for the other to call time out, to withdraw for a specific time as a way to check emotions from escalating. 

   The "two step" as a dance works best when both partners know what to expect. As long as you and your partner are dancing to the same music a few toes may be stepped on, but hopefully nothing will be broken.

Dr, Terry Shapiro is a licensed clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at Aurora University in Aurora, Illinois. His practice is located in Chicago's western suburbs.