Advice From Strangers & Friends

In 1937, Simon & Schuster published How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie. I really like and recommend this book for everyone to read. In September, 2010, I highlighted How To Win Friends and Influence People when talking about Interviewing. Among other things, Carnegie tells his readers not not to criticize, condemn, or complain, and to give honest and sincere appreciation. So when someone gives you advice, don’t become defensive, and show true appreciation for the advice.

Even if the advice is totally off the wall, idiotic, and absolutely crazy, thank them for their thoughts and move on. I bring up this point because I keep hearing from clients and students that they’ve gotten advice from a friend or stranger and it’s put them into a tail spin. Not a single person reported to me that the advice they got was fantastic, right on, helpful, or life changing!

Pauline Phillips--AKA Abigail Van Buren--died a few years back and Dear Abby was/is a professional and has a support staff, so who is giving you advice? Most advice isn’t all that good, seriously! A lot of people convey conventional wisdom, which doesn’t always live up to its name. So many folks are passing negative comments and de-motivational advice to job seekers. Or they are relating self-serving thoughts that make themselves feel important. Consider the source and the speakers’ agenda when considering their advice.

The negative that is being passed out there is devastating to the people hearing it, not just to their emotions, but also to their activity and job search efforts. So much of this “advice” is couched as “friendly & supportive” and often starts with the words, “Without...,” “You need to be realistic...,” or “Everyone knows...”  I think as a rule of thumb if someone is telling you that they can’t, or you cannot or you have to be realistic, or anything along those lines, they are not trying to help you, they’re trying to make themselves feel better.

There is positive stuff out there too. One client who landed a job recently sent out an email and told her friends and contacts: “For those of you concerned about the economy, don't believe everything you read in the news! I can tell you that many of my friends and I have been receiving interest, phone interviews, in-person interviews, and more over the past several months.” This offered folks some positive and believable encouragement.

So if the advice you’re hearing is uplifting or constructive, think of Dale Carnegie and thank them and then consider the relative value of the comments. If it is not serving your mission, let it pass, no harm is done, you’ve been professional and respectful and remained on the path toward your goals.