My client said to me, “You probably don’t what to hear this...” and then went on to say something negative. I told my client that it’s not about me; I don’t what my clients thinking anything negative like that. It amazes me the negative things we tell ourselves... the negative way we talk to ourselves.
We’d never say to a stranger the things we say to ourself. Think about it... Someone locks their keys in their car and what do they say verbally or silently, “God, I am so stupid, I’m such an idiot... I cannot believe the stupid things I do. I’m surprised I can even walk upright...” You’d never say that to a stranger. Can you imagine walking up to a little granny sitting on a park bench and saying those same things, “You are so stupid... you’re an idiot... I cannot believe all the stupid things you do...” In fact, next time you see a Brian Urlacher walk up to him and say, wait... never mind; but you see my point. You just wouldn’t talk that way, not to a grandma nor to a middle linebacker for the Chicago Bears.
Why do we talk so hurtfully to ourselves? Why do we offer acquaintances and strangers more words of encouragement than we do our own selves? Maybe the why isn’t as imperative to understand as the point that we should stop treating ourselves so badly and treat everyone, including ourselves as if they were your sweet dear ol’ grandmother.
We’re human and we make mistakes: give yourself a break. Why not say to yourself, “I’m getting better and better.” Or, “Today I’m better than I was yesterday, but not as good as I will be tomorrow.” Why? Because it corny, hoaky, or because people don’t really talk that way. Why not? I think it’s about time we start telling ourselves nice things. Start lifting ourselves up and forgiving ourselves for little mistakes. The next time you make a mistake say to yourself, “Wow, I normally remember to take my keys out of the ignition before locking and closing the door. I’m probably trying to do too much, too fast. I’ll slow down and think more clearly.” Isn’t that a much better thing to hear than in insult to your intelligence?
Showing yourself a little love, by way of saying something nice to yourself isn’t all that crazy. When you think about it like that, it sounds like good idea. At first say these things silently to yourself and after some time saying nice, positive things try saying it out loud. Really, it works.
I had a habit of leaving one thing downstairs when I went to bed at night. I’d mutter to myself down the steps, then back up the steps. One night I let myself off the hook and laughed at myself and said positive things to myself as I retrieved the forgotten item. A few days later, I realized that I wasn’t forgetting things downstairs at bedtime. What do you think, maybe there is a connection there? Give it a try yourself. Show yourself some love. Plus, your job search will benefit from the positive self talk.
I’ve pointed out many times in talks, coaching session and in this blog that we have control over two things in this world. First, we have control over our attitude--namely, what we want our attitude to be. Second, we have control over our behavior--namely, how we act toward the world around us.
On the job or in a job search this is no less true. When something happens at work, from losing a promotion to getting a notice of termination, you are faced with what famed psychotherapist Albert Ellis, Ph.D. called an “Activating Event.” These events are without emotion, they simply are a fact one has to deal with. How we perceive these events, Ellis would say, is influenced by our “Belief System” which can be either rational or irrational.
I believe that if you get a pink slip at work a rational belief system would hold that your termination isn’t personal. In major lay offs where there is a 10%, 20% or even 30% reduction in force, it’s a numbers game, and your specific case probably has more to do with your salary or where you sit on an Org Chart than it is about who does or doesn’t like you. To quote The Godfather again: (Sonny Corleone to Tom Hagen and his brother Michael) “You're taking this very personal. Tom, this is business and this man is taking it very, very personal.”
What if your boss doesn’t respond to an email you sent? Don’t take it personally until he tells you so. For example: A job seeker and LinkedIn user wrote: I have 55 first-level connections on LinkedIn, but 50 outstanding invitations that I have sent to people whom I have previous connections and relationships with, and yet they don't even bother to reply to my invitation. I am not sure if these folks are just not interested in LinkedIn anymore, or if they aren't interested in me anymore. Any suggestions???
And I responded: Remember not to take this or anything in your job search personally. There could be a 100 different reasons why these folks haven't replied. You've thought of two. Instead of playing a guessing game, follow up with an email or better yet a phone call. Reconnect and find out...
Life is filled with too many situations, events and accidents to believe that they are all focused on you. Give yourself a break, free yourself of the worry and stress of taking things personally. You’ll be happier and you’ll sleep better at night.
In my professional career in software development, Lee Babbitt, my friend and mentor, once advised me that I needed to slow down and not to take things personally. I thought of Sonny and Michael Corleone in the first Godfather movie, “...it’s not personal, Sonny, it’s strictly business!” Many years later, when I began my professional career in career consulting, we were told in training, “Tell your clients that it’s not personal and don’t take things said or even things not said personally.”
I hear this from clients all the time. They had a great interview and the hiring manager said they would be making a decision by the end of the week, and now it’s ten days later and they still haven’t heard anything. They begin to doubt their experience and become fearful, saying thinks like, “I must have blown the interview.” or “Why are they doing this to me?” Then a few days later they call the hiring manager or the HR Rep and find out that something unexpected happened and now they expect to start the next steps soon, or tomorrow.
Those times when the client missed the job opportunity and wasn’t chosen--when they learn that they didn’t get the job--they are crushed. They start going over the experience looking for something they did to “blow it” in the interview process. They must have done something wrong, or they think that the interviewer just didn’t like them from the start! Often neither is the case, they just picked someone else. The job seeker didn’t do anything wrong, nothing! But, this is hard for many job seekers to accept. It’s hard for them not to take it personally and start to move on to the next opportunity.
It makes sense. Being turned down for a job hurts... but to get past the hurt, think of it this way: Say you were out looking for new shoes and you find a pair that looks great. You ask the clerk for your size and they have a pair a half of a size smaller and a half of a size bigger, but not your exact size. You try on the shoes and they don’t fit, they don’t feel right. Would you buy them anyway? Or would you go to another store? Remember there are two outcomes to an interview...
The two outcomes to an interview are: Get the job offer or get a referral. If the shoes don’t fit it’s easy to ask the clerk if they could suggest another store that sells those shoes; then you could get them in your size. The job seeker can do the same thing in the interview process: ask if they know of anything else where they could use your skills and abilities. It’s professional, proactive and takes the focus off the negative. Often the interviewer will realize the job seeker would be great in an other department and they are happy to recommend you.
So refusing to take bad news personally help to keep you in a positive frame of mind and often find an equally good opportunity.
One of my co-workers pointed out the large percentage of our clients who don’t check their email regularly. We’ll send out important notices and we’ll check and only about 30% of the addressees will have opened (and hopefully read) the email. The question that jumps to mind is what other emails are getting past our job seekers?
Email is the principle ways that companies and recruiters will contact the job seeker. There is a problem if the job seeker isn’t reading their email. This might happen for two reasons. The Job Seeker is not reading their email on a regular basis three, four or five times a day so that nothing gets past them. Second, the Job Seeker’s email box is too cluttered and the reader is overwhelmed. If you are in the hunt for a new job and you aren’t checking your mail in a systematic and regular manner, start now!
If you are a job hunter but overwhelmed by the shear volume of email in your mailbox then there are a few things to consider. Realize that if you have an account on CareerBuilder and another on Monster and maybe one or two more Job Boards, you’ll be inundated with all kinds of email; most of which are not going to lead to an interview. With all the dozens and dozens of email overwhelming your attention you may be missing really important communications.
How can you cut down on all the email? First, cut down to one job board either CareerBuilder or Monster; in fact, recruiters search all the job boards for new candidates. Updating your profile or resume keeps recruiters seeing you at the top of their searches.
Consider setting up an email just for job search, or set up one just for the job boards. I encourage my clients to set up an email address just for their job search. Especially if their email is a family email or a non professional ring to it. (e.g., hotmomma@hotmail.com or kate&billsdad@yahoo.com)
Voice mail is the other means of communicating between job seekers and potential employers. Greetings need to be professional too. (e.g., The kids saying, “Hi... you called the Smith family, we’re out doing family stuff and aren’t home to talk to you... at the tone, you know what to do.”) While it’s cute it’s hardly professional. Consider setting up a Google Voice account for your job search and this way you’ll sound professional and most likely not lose any messages due to family interaction.
If you are in the hunt for a new job, consider your email and how you use it. It’s a tool and a tool that requires a higher level of attention than some others. Also the phone and voice mail is a tool that requires a professional approach. Remember that first impressions are lasting impressions, don’t allow your email procedure or your voice mail greeting to set the wrong tone.
Showing yourself a little love, by way of saying something nice to yourself isn’t all that crazy. When you think about it like that, it sounds like good idea. At first say these things silently to yourself and after some time saying nice, positive things try saying it out loud. Really, it works. 
